I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
