Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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