i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
