cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
