you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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