I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Duck Duck Cougar?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
