Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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