he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
