A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
