My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize