She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
