I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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