it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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