Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm passing your future prison.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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