I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
