he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
