I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
