My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
