the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Shame - the story of my life.
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