Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
