Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
