Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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