Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
