I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
