I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
