if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
