you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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