grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Randomize
