remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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