My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
