I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
