checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
