apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
