I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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