Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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