Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i drank out of a bidet.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize