I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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