I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
