mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
