i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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