I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
