I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize