Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
