my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I smell like Dick and happiness
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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