I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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