3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i came on her dog
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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