I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Randomize
