I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
