I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
