His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
